As the rains come to the aid of a desperate(ly bad) England side in a Sri Lankan town that is as used to shipping water as the England bowling attack, the wags on the message board are passing the time indulging in speculation about Nelson's last words. According to one, it was not "Kiss me" that the Admiral said to Hardy but "Kismet", the Turkish word for "Fate".
Well I personally have it on the authority of Christopher Ecclestone, who used to go for trips through time in the Tardis while working as Doctor Who outside of official filming (perk of the job), that he personally witnessed the final moments of the dying seafarer, and the whispered words were actually: "Kiss it". He had his fly undone and his trouser snake hanging out as he breathed his last.
This kind of behaviour was not considered "gay" at the time since, for one thing, the term had not been coined and, for another, such boisterousness (even for a dying man) would have been considered normal practice among men of the navy, absent at sea for so long and left to their own devices.
These kinds of practices have been picked up in modern times by extremely heterosexual rugby players. A friend of mine, former scrum half and captain of the first eleven of an Oxford University college team, has regaled me with tales of the shenanigans they get up to. I also knew a guy who played for Bedford RU while doing teacher training, and he liked to cup mens' tackle to see what he was dealing with. It was more a case of "fronts to the wall" with him. He had a girlfriend, but he never let you see what was inside his closet.
jeudi 20 décembre 2007
lundi 10 décembre 2007
mercredi 5 décembre 2007
Balmy army
Despite a stalwart show of last ditch resistance, some dodgy umpiring and the home team's secret weapons of Malinga and Murali finally did for the English cricket team in the first test against Sri Lanka.
Looking beyond the possible inclusion of cricket in the Olympics, its inclusion in the Paralympics would surely be synoymous with golden glory for Sri Lanka, as they already have two world-class "differently-able" competitors in their able-bodied national team. That's right, "Slinger" Malinga and Muralitheran, both of whom have had the rule books re-written to accommodate their dubious bowling techniques, caused it is said by physiological defects.
That's the bowling side taken care of, and the latest news on the grapevine is that they're about to introduce another freakish prodigy into the batting line-up: a young man with the birth defect of a three-foot-wide bat sprouting from his wrist.
Looking beyond the possible inclusion of cricket in the Olympics, its inclusion in the Paralympics would surely be synoymous with golden glory for Sri Lanka, as they already have two world-class "differently-able" competitors in their able-bodied national team. That's right, "Slinger" Malinga and Muralitheran, both of whom have had the rule books re-written to accommodate their dubious bowling techniques, caused it is said by physiological defects.
That's the bowling side taken care of, and the latest news on the grapevine is that they're about to introduce another freakish prodigy into the batting line-up: a young man with the birth defect of a three-foot-wide bat sprouting from his wrist.
lundi 3 décembre 2007
Credit card fraud
I just received an alert from a well-intentioned friend, warning me of a credit card scam doing the rounds, whereby people purporting to represent credit card companies, and who by whatever means already have obtained your card number, phone to get you to disclose the security number on the back of the card.
If you are worried by this scam, and feel there is a chance that you might disclose your number upon request by someone calling you and saying they work for a bank or credit institution, then send me by email your full name and address, along with your credit card number and the aforementioned security code, and I'll patch a security widget on the world wide internet that will ensure your details remain entirely confidential.
And if by chance these fraudsters do call you up, play clever, and rather than hanging up on them, give them a false number. That way they'll attempt a transaction and so leave an extra trace by which they hopefully might end up getting caught.
The more of these fraudsters that get hoisted by their own petard, the better.
If you are worried by this scam, and feel there is a chance that you might disclose your number upon request by someone calling you and saying they work for a bank or credit institution, then send me by email your full name and address, along with your credit card number and the aforementioned security code, and I'll patch a security widget on the world wide internet that will ensure your details remain entirely confidential.
And if by chance these fraudsters do call you up, play clever, and rather than hanging up on them, give them a false number. That way they'll attempt a transaction and so leave an extra trace by which they hopefully might end up getting caught.
The more of these fraudsters that get hoisted by their own petard, the better.
lundi 26 novembre 2007
Eng-er-land revisited
I was far too hasty, drifting into despondency following England's failure to qualify for the Euros. Just think of all the pleasure it has brought to so many. First of all there is the - at first sight - hapless manager, who nonetheless walks away from the job with all the money he would have earned if he'd stayed the two years until the end of his contract, and who is free now either to take it easy or take another job! Bet he hadn't thought of that when he took the job on!
Then there's the footballers themselves. It's been many decades since a top pro has had to worry about making sure of the win bonus, to keep their families in the luxury they're accustomed to. Now they'll be able to enjoy their earnings in the summer, and take their wives and kiddies on a really lovely, long holiday to somewhere exclusive where there's no riff-raff cluttering up the beaches.
Talking of riff-raff, we shouldn't forget the humble fans, either. Just think of all the money they'll save by not having to fork out on travel, tickets, accommodation and sundries in the Kingdom of Austro-Switzerland. They too will be able to treat their wives and kids, instead of pissing their wages up the wall like they usually do. Every cloud does indeed have a resplendent silver lining!
Then there's the footballers themselves. It's been many decades since a top pro has had to worry about making sure of the win bonus, to keep their families in the luxury they're accustomed to. Now they'll be able to enjoy their earnings in the summer, and take their wives and kiddies on a really lovely, long holiday to somewhere exclusive where there's no riff-raff cluttering up the beaches.
Talking of riff-raff, we shouldn't forget the humble fans, either. Just think of all the money they'll save by not having to fork out on travel, tickets, accommodation and sundries in the Kingdom of Austro-Switzerland. They too will be able to treat their wives and kids, instead of pissing their wages up the wall like they usually do. Every cloud does indeed have a resplendent silver lining!
jeudi 22 novembre 2007
vendredi 2 novembre 2007
Material World
Punning may be the lowest form of wit, but nobody does it better than Quentin Cooper on "Material World" (BBC Radio 4, Thursdays). Not only can you enjoy his ingenious puns, you learn stuff too!
I found myself inwardly applauding one he came up with while interviewing a scientist about the way in which bees perceive their surroundings. Unsurprisingly, bees apparently see the world in a completely different way to us, so: "What a bee sees is not as simple as A-B-C."
Respect!
I found myself inwardly applauding one he came up with while interviewing a scientist about the way in which bees perceive their surroundings. Unsurprisingly, bees apparently see the world in a completely different way to us, so: "What a bee sees is not as simple as A-B-C."
Respect!
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