Vegan BBQs

I wonder how vegetarians and vegans get on at barbecues? Not in terms of what they eat, but in terms of how they cope with marauding insects. In other words, is it okay to swat a wasp? Just what level of beastly sentience counts for them? Taken to the extreme this would put them in the same (holiday) camp as the Buddhists, who literally watch their step for fear of treading on an insect, which may, according to their system of beliefs, be the reincarnation of a dear departed relative or ancestor. This no doubt explains the obesity and sedentarism of the Buddha himself, who singularly lacks the svelte silhouette of a roaming, insect-indifferent Jesus or Mohammed. You would think, after all, that one would be all the more inclined to put the creature out of its misery, if you believed in that kind of thing, in order to hasten its passage in the reincarnation hierarchy to a higher life-form. Being cut off in your prime as an insect might even, who knows?, offer the fast track to the next life as a human being, just one step on the ladder below the Glenn Hoddle or the Tom Cruise.

Dream conundrum

I woke from a dream and found myself still amused by its contents, which is rare since a funny dream rarely seems amusing in the cold light of day. It consisted of a scene from the Eurovision song contest, with a dead ringer for Yozzer Hughes from Boys from the Blackstuff, but with a dark complexion, black hair and a big black tash singing the Turkish entry. Like most Eurovision contestants these days he sang in English, and the lyric went "Oh, I have got a big tash, I've got a big moustache", before switching (Eurovision style) into German: "Ich habe einen Schnurrbart, der niemandem gefällt". What was really funny was the dum-de-dum melody, which then segued from the German with a brief "Allerdings" back into English. My waking impression was that this would make a good Mitchell & Webb sketch; I could imagine David Mitchell doing the Yozzer act with a really outrageous Turkish moustache. But I knew if I got out of bed to note it down, I'd not get back to sleep again. What to do? I decided, since I was still awake, to get out of bed and make a brief note of the lyrics, such as they were. Yet the damage was done. No way could I get back to sleep, the tune kept buzzing around in my head. Thus it was that at 4.30 am I was up and hammering away on my computer. Half an hour later, I started to feel drowsy. So I head back to bed, only to realize that the melody was lost to waking oblivion. Rats! Zéro points, Royaume-Uni.